Signs It's Time to Disengage from the Stepmama Drama

If you’re reading this post, chances are you’re either a stepmother at her wit’s end or you know a stepmother at her wit’s end. Coming together as a blended family is challenging. It involves bringing two people together as a married couple, each learning to adapt to the other’s habits and behaviors while at the same time settling in to their new roles as spouses. It involves a parent and child(ren) adjusting to a new family member moving into their already established family unit. It involves the child(ren) adjusting to his/her role as a stepchild. And lastly, it involves the new family member moving into an already established dynamic, learning how to move within that dynamic and find a place in it without upsetting it, learning her role as spouse and stepmother and understanding how those work together and separately. Being a stepmother may be the hardest role there is in a family. And, as if this wasn’t hard enough, none of it happens in a vacuum. There is the relationship with the child(ren)’s other parent to consider, work, school, and everything else life throws at you. Because of this, blended families rarely have the time needed to properly adjust to all the changes in relationships and dynamics occurring in their world. As a result, stepmothers find themselves acting as primary parents to stepchildren whom they have had little if any time to build a relationship with while in their role as stepmother. Over time, this creates confusion, resentment, and hurt feelings on all sides. So how do you know when it’s time to disengage from your current role and stop the stepmama drama?

Signs It’s Time to Disengage from your Current Role

You feel angry and hurt much of the time:

When you spend your time giving and doing for others and you get nothing in return (or worse yet, if you’re disrespected or disparaged), you eventually become resentful. Kids are kids and they aren’t always at the top of their game, but your sincerest efforts to accommodate others should not go unnoticed.

You’re doing more work than your spouse:

You should not spend more time and energy worrying about and trying to modify your stepchildren’s behavior than your spouse does. A unified approach to parenting is fantastic and ideal, but keep in mind that you are the stepparent in this situation. At most you should be sharing the parenting responsibilities. If you are leading the parenting parade, it’s time to make your spouse step up.

You often realize that you’re doing things that are not appreciated or wanted:

As a stepparent, you cast yourself in various roles and start to believe that there are things you “should” be doing in order to be a “good” stepparent. This is a universal truth of parents. Unfortunately, your expectations of yourself don’t often match up with what your stepchildren want from you. Because your trying hard and your intentions are good, this leaves you feeling hurt and resentful. Sadly, your stepchildren are left feeling angry and resentful also because you’re not giving them what they really need.

You’re more invested in being a stepparent than a wife:

Ultimately, your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have in the family. Second to that, is your relationship with your spouse. Someday, your stepchildren will grow up and have families of their own to worry about. But you and your spouse will still be on this journey together. You need to invest more time and energy cultivating that relationship than any other.

Your self-worth is dependent upon your relationship with your stepchildren:

I say again…your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have in the family. Have you ever flown on a plane? I want you to think about the safety instructions at the beginning of the flight. When they talk about the oxygen masks deploying and putting on your mask first before helping anyone around you. Why is that? As a mom that may seem counterintuitive. But they’re right. If you can’t breathe, you’re of no use to anyone else. The same is true for families. For you to be in a good place for your family, you must be in a good place for yourself. Taking your stepchildren’s actions, attitudes, and behaviors on as a direct reflection of you as a person, means that you are overinvested and need to disengage.

Changing your Role

What does it mean to disengage? Does it mean that you are no longer involved with your stepchildren and no longer care about their well-being or what happens to them? Of course not. According to Oxford Dictionary, disengage means to remove from an area of conflict. Though it may sound as though disengaging will lead to a diminished relationship with your stepchildren, removing yourself from conflict situations, will lead to improved relationships in the long run.

To begin with, this process requires ongoing and effective communication with your spouse. Talk to your spouse about your role and about how your feeling in terms of your relationship with him/her, your stepchildren, and yourself. Often, we hear “disengaging” and we think of cutting off or separating, which has a negative connotation. Disengaging requires you to relinquish your role as primary parent so that you can build a relationship with you stepchildren before trying to parent them. For this to happen, your spouse must take on the role of primary parent. Your role as a stepparent is to support your spouse in parenting while establishing a respectful, trusting relationship with your stepchildren. Trying to take on the role of an authority figure prior to building this relationship results in animosity and resentment on all sides.

To effectively disengage, you must also change the way you think about your role. Your job is not to raise your stepchildren. Your job is to support your spouse in raising his/her children. When you change your mindset regarding your role in the family from primary parent shouldering the responsibility of raising children to supporting spouse and caregiver, you can invest in only those matters that directly concern you. For example, if your stepchild leaves his/her gym clothes at home. Your spouse will have to take the clothes to school or your stepchild will sit out of gym for the day. This is a parent/child problem and does not need to involve you. Letting go of the notion that your stepchildren’s behavior is a reflection on you or your responsibility, will bring about a feeling of peace and a sense of calm.

In an ideal situation, people come together and act as a unified front in parenting. They agree on rules and discipline and everything comes together harmoniously and seamlessly. But things are rarely ideal. Through this process of disengaging and allowing your spouse to step into the primary parenting role, you will have to actively step back from that responsibility. That can be a difficult shift. This does not mean upending the balance of good and evil in your home. Maintaining a well running system is important, but it does mean shifting the responsibility of parenting onto your spouse. This can take time for everyone to adjust to. But if you quit doing the job and you’re clear with your spouse about your intentions and desires, he/she has no choice but to pick up the slack. That said, he/she may not parent the same way you would. They may not even parent the way you want them too. But you’re there to be supportive, not to take over. Issues regarding parenting style and philosophy should be discussed between spouses and a consensus should be reached. But remember, these are not your children and you have disengaged. Ultimately, how these children are raised is up to their parents.

Things to Keep in Mind Throughout this Process

• You cannot and should not try to make up for actual or perceived weaknesses in parenting or wrongs committed by your spouse’s ex. Even if these weakness or wrongs are real, it is beyond your ability to fix this for your stepchildren and not your responsibility to try.

• Your stepchildren are just that…your stepchildren. You are not responsible for who they are or who they will become.

• Not everyone parents the same. This doesn’t make it wrong, it just makes it different. If there are no health or safety risks, you must learn to tolerate it. This is especially true of your spouse through this process.

To Ease the Transition

Just because you’re taking a more supportive role, does not mean you should be treated any differently. You and your spouse should discuss this process privately before hand and clearly define the rules, expectations and consequences for the household. Determine ways for you to maintain expectations without engaging in power struggles or confrontations. Ensuring that there are clear consistent consequences for rule violations is a good way to avoid confrontations. If your spouse won’t enforce the rules, wait until you’re behind closed doors to discuss the difficulty this poses for you.

This transition does not need to be shared with your stepchildren. They will certainly notice some changes (hopefully those changes will start to result in a more positive relationship with you), but they don’t need to know the specifics. When they ask for a ride to a friend’s house or help with homework, you can politely tell them that they need to ask their dad/mom or wait until he/she gets home.

By disengaging you are freeing yourself of the burden of meeting unrealistic expectations. You cannot be a mother to these children. But you can be a stepmother. A caring, supportive, giving, fun stepmother who is not overwhelmed with trying to meet an unrealistic expectation. When you disengage from your current role, you will find that your relationship with your spouse and stepchildren improve. Primarily because your relationship with yourself improves.